For someone who love to be graded (moi), I truly hate performance appraisal time at work.  The reason is simple.  I do not want to self-evaluate. I want others to evaluate me FOR me.  I have a wildly distorted perception of my own value to my employer.  Call it “employment dismorphia.”  I am my biggest critic and judge myself far more harshly than does the world.  So, when appraisal time inevitably comes a-knockin’, my hatred of it burns with the fire of a thousand suns. 

Now that I have vented my spleen a bit, I can admit that, yes, the process has become significantly easier over the past several years.  There was a time that whenever my supervisor closed his door I believed it was to discuss how he needed to fire me.  That paranoia is the product of many years of job hopping as a waiter and has never fully left me.  Also what has never left me from those years is the uncanny ability to remember drink orders.  The size of the party doesn’t matter.  I know who ordered the Appletini (editorial aside: gross…just gross).  But, I digress…

Back to my performance anxiety (rimshot), the truth remains that since I know my own judgment of myself is either far below or above reality I prefer the evaluation of others.  I don’t trust myself to be objective, but I do believe the opinions of others, sometimes beyond reason.  This is one reason why I have such an affinity for school.  To quote Lisa Simpson, “Look at me! Grade me! Evaluate and rank me! I’m good, good, good and oh so smart! [drops to her knees] Grade meeeeee!!” 

Oh, Lisa.  I relate.